All The Lonely Thoughts

By J.S.V.

Open your eyes. I know they’re swollen and heavy, but wake up. 

Stay in bed for a while and forgive yourself for last night, even though it was not your fault. 

Remember, it was not your fault. 

Accidents happen, and you will pay more attention from now on. 

Go to your closet and pick the blue dress; the orange one will make you slip, and you won’t have the strength to get up. 

Don’t overthink it. Just pick the blue one; it is short enough for you not to fall and cheap enough to be ruined without guilt. 

Go to the bathroom and wash your face. 

Put makeup on to hide the bags under your eyes and how pale you look from the days you spent in that room. Don’t wear mascara; the black trails are more humiliating than you think. 

Eat breakfast and brush your teeth. 

Stop thinking about last night; you only looked away for a moment. Stop picturing him falling; just make sure it won’t happen again. 

Grab your bag and keys. Don’t forget your phone or the credit card you hid in the phone case. 

Go to the kitchen; it’s on the counter, under the book you thought you’d start during his chemo session that day. 

Put it in your bag; you’ll need it because you’ll spend all your money on the cab and flowers on your way to the hospital, and you won’t ask him to call you an Uber when you realize you have no money. 

Leave your apartment. 

Walk to Gabriel’s flower shop. Don’t let the blue sky fool you; today is not a good day. 

Buy the purple flowers for Luiza; they are the color of her hair ties, socks, and sometimes the shirt she likes to wear under her blue scrubs. 

Buy it, even though it is more expensive than you thought it would be. Luiza has always been the best nurse, and she was a saint the day before. 

Grab a cab and go to the hospital. 

Quit thinking about how plain the building looks. Stop telling yourself the corridors could use some sunlight. 

Just stop complaining.

For once, be grateful for all the opportunities this place provided him and all the time it provided for you. 

Stop in front of room 273, the one you got lost in the first time you tried to find it but now know better than your own house. 

Take a deep breath. 

Knock. 

Get in. 

Don’t wince when you look at him; yes, he’s worse than he was last night. Don’t shiver when he looks at you with dark eyes that seem too cold to be his. 

Put the flowers on the couch; they will make you bleed when you squeeze them, and that will stain your dress. 

Don’t go kiss him; he’ll turn away. 

Control your heart when he tells you that you two need to talk. 

Make it stop panicking, and then tell him to stop, too. 

Ignore him when he tells you it’s not working, and definitely don’t apologize for the day before. He is not mad about that. 

Don’t believe him. He is not ready to continue the treatment alone and he doesn’t truly want you to go. 

Remember, you didn’t fail him. 

Stay; he is just tired of seeing himself as weak. 

Don’t listen to him, especially when he begins to scream. 

Stay; he does need you. 

He does want you. 

He does love you. 

Stay; no matter what.

Stay. 

If you didn’t listen to anything I said before, listen to this: 

Stay one more week.