All The Lonely Thoughts

By J.S.V.

I swear, I swear
I’m healed
I’ll gather all my therapy sessions
And send you the bill
You never give me a chance, man
There is no bargaining, no deals
I say I’m searching for a job
And you ask me:
Still?

It’s not fair
Talk like there’s nothing wrong with you
But you don’t know when to quit
After each time you lose
I see it by the way
You always say
I love you too
I mean
Not that I give a shit
But answer me:
Why do you?

Is it because you still think my silence wise?
Oh, I know
My coldness still doesn’t rise to my eyes?
I think you’d be surprised
They all are, in time
With the dullness inside
Not of an empty mind
I’m not dead and have no plan of suicide
Still,
I reckon it would be
Such an ordinary sight

Go on, then
Cause here you won’t find anything good,
Maybe some weed, maybe some booze
But nothing too polished,
Nothing from the time I met you

Sometimes I see you try to connect the dots
Don’t worry, I also constantly doubt my own kindness
As if I weren’t the boss of my own thoughts
But the person I want to be is simply out of reach
The person you love I have yet to meet
And the person I was, I guess he’s my deepest grief

Can you blame me?
Who am I to know
The person I am
At only 45 years old?

You leaving already?
C’mon man, what were you expecting?
Don’t pick up the trash, I’ll get it
Yeah, yeah
I can shower more often and eat right
And I’ll still have my fucked-up mind

You always say that,
You always say I never change
But I don’t see you leaving
Isn’t that strange?

I’m joking,
I’m joking
Chill out,
Just stay
Haven’t seen you since May
To be fair, I did miss you
One could say your efforts aren’t all in vain
Hey
Hey!
I love you too, okay?

How’s Pete doing?
It’s been a while since I’ve seen his face
You know I’m a better father if I just stay away
Yeah,
Yeah,
I can maybe go to his game
I’ll buy a new shirt, new jeans
I can try that
Look all preppy and shit
Do you think he’ll call me dad?
Or he’ll just plainly ignore my ass?
It’s fine, doesn’t matter
I’ll be there